Defending your Life

RIP Barry

“Well I'm the enemy of treason
Enemy of strife
I'm the enemy of the unlived meaningless life
I ain't no false prophet
I just know what I know
I go where only the lonely can go.” BD

“When we get better, we’ll all get better. It is that simple” Bob Toll 1920-2022.

Last Saturday I spent a delightful morning with Matt, a Hebrew school and high school classmate, at The Corner in Montclair. This is where you go in Montclair for the neighborhood breakfast place. They literally asked us to leave because we were taking up money time. It was good to spend some time with someone who shared the same links, as Bruce says “the ties that bind us”. As we walked to Matt’s car he said something that proved to be prescient. With our advancing age it is best to avoid the “trap doors”, you know the ones that get you and you never get a chance to recover.

The week started with a right turn into an entrance with a do not enter sign. I passed the strip mall, but decided at the last moment, to get a cup of coffee. When I entered the store Jessica, the shop owner, looked upset, as she has a sunny disposition, and immediately told me Barry had died. Barry was 51 and died of a massive heart attack. He was our local homeless man, who created art from common artifacts (see above from summer 2021), who was a gentle but lost soul. We would see each other at the bagel store, as he lived in the woods behind the local CVS, bright and early weekday mornings. There was something different behind the eyes of this mentally challenged individual. I felt connected to his struggle. I believed he was a person of integrity who had been beaten by the tragedy in our lives. The state has to do a better job of helping our most vulnerable populations. We have abandoned compassion and focused treatment in favor of the specialists and an either/or approach to drug treatment for mental health. It is a very complicated dynamic. That morning I also received an email from Andy, my dear friend, that his wife Colleen’s mother had passed on the weekend and the funeral would be Tuesday.

This week was filled with deep vibrations from the other side. Perhaps that comes from all the ripples that are released in this traditional time of coming together. This six week period of reflection and reunion always has great power over our collective hopes, dreams and fears. Tuesday was a very powerful, spiritual day which began with a visit from a former employee. Paco came to the US from Guatemala with high hopes, a willingness to work hard and spiritual faith. Today he lives in Statesville, NC. His hard work, belief in family and love for God and nature has given him the strength and purpose to achieve the American dream. He asked me if we could pray together, and he blessed my family and those in my life, in the name of Jesus. It was a wonderful way to start the day and it was only the prelude. It was a day to honor a great man, Bob Toll, and a great woman, Mary Sheerin, who made a difference in the lives of the people they touched.

I attended the Robert Toll Memorial Service at Toll Corporate in Ft.Washington, Pa. There were over 350 people present for this public commemoration. Bob Toll, with his brother Bruce, built a small local home building company into a public national brand, that is universally respected in the professional home building industry. Mr. Toll died on October 7 from Parkinson’s leaving behind a legacy of accomplishment and charity that does not come close to capturing his impact on so many lives. Those ripples will be felt for over one hundred years, and like tree rings, will only be seen after all his mighty trees have fallen. My personal experience, as I recall, was feeling awestruck in his presence. Bob handled a room like no one I had ever seen before. We were there for a fundraiser for Bill Bradley’s run for the Presidency. The gravitational energy of Bob’s personality was transformative. I listened to people describe him this way for over one hour Tuesday. That energy reminded me of the same kind of people who have been most impactful in my life.

Joy is an act. That could be an act of kindness like giving a family 100 dollars or giving an institution 50 million dollars. That could be an act of prayer, like I shared with Paco, or I do each day when I put on tefilin. Joy is also an action. Joy is work. Joy is play. There is beauty and joy in the doing. At work Mr Toll always had jacket, tie and handkerchief in perfect order. At play he was known to get naked in front of guests and jump into his cold Maine lake. This was a man who truly understood joy but he also truly understood that he could make a difference in people’s lives. As he used to say, “if you want to be nice, know how to be nice.” ( I hope you take a moment to follow the link above for Mr. Toll.)

That evening I began to watch the 1992 movie “Defending Your Life”, written and directed by Albert Brooks, that creates the afterlife tale of two people who suffer untimely deaths and ascend to a place called Judgment City where all lives are reviewed in a courtroom setting. Judgment City is our Disneyland vacation between this life and the next life. Judgment City- Where it is perfectly clear all the time!! It is a place you can eat all that you want, kind of like the Wake and Bake weekly report, and never gain weight or feel full.

Mr.Brooks plays Daniel Miller and Meryl Streep plays Julia, the love interest, in this quirky romantic comedy about love and life. The purpose of Judgment City is to determine those of us who get to move forward and those of us who must go back to earth to overcome our fears. How do we get past our fears of that rollercoaster? As Bob Diamond, Mr Miller’s defense attorney, says in the movie, “The whole point of this thing is to keep getting smarter, to keep growing , to use as much of your brain as possible.”

I wondered who would represent Barry and who would represent Bob Toll in the imaginary courtroom. Since Bob was also a lawyer I imagine he would be there to help Barry. The courtroom scene has roots in our unconscious that date back to Egyptian mythology on the afterlife. Osiris, god of the underworld, sits in judgment along side 42 divine Judges who examine your life. They weigh your honesty, your mendacity and your violent nature. If you fail at any of these tests there is still an opportunity for redemption. If your heart is true and “be as light as a feather”, where there is regret for your failures, then the God Osiris will let you pass to the field of reeds. If they decide to move you forward that is heaven, but if they do not there is this nasty creature waiting to consume your soul.

When it is time for me to face the 42, or two judges, male and female, like in the Brooks rom-com, I am going to need a good lawyer. There is an old Jackson Brown line that says “don’t confront me with my failures, I had not forgotten them”. There are many words I would like to take back. There are many actions I would like to be forgiven for. There are many decisions I would like a second chance. But that is not the whole story and there are only a few Bob Diamond’s out there to defend me.

It would be an act of joy, a redemptive action. One of the funnier Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes is, with Albert Brooks as the guest star, about throwing a Live/ Dead Memorial party for himself. All his friends gather to memorialize his life while Albert sits in another room watching the whole event. Do I want to be dead when everyone says such nice things about me? So for my grandkids and my own kids I did an inventory and I promise you that I am not done. Not by any means!

I have never killed anyone or attacked another human being although I did push Fran Goodman out of the way in a killer musical chair game at my bar mitzvah. I won awards for being a good student. I was happy playing alone and I was happy playing with my friends. I enjoyed being comfortable speaking in front of large groups of people. I never belonged to one clic of friends. Outliers are more interesting than the group. That is why I loved playing ultimate frisbee. No one who spends his twenties playing ultimate, between the 40 hour work week, is a serious person. I love chasing a plastic disc. The best part of the chasing is the competition and friendly rivalry. Relationships and the moment of playing are what is valuable. Never underestimate the value of play. Play Ultimate and Disc Golf!

My intellectual heroes are Carl Sagan and Carl Jung, not Marx or Freud. I take ideas seriously but I am not a serious man. I am awestruck by the stars every clear night. I pursue knowledge like it is nourishment. Skepticism is healthy. Cynicism is a symptom of a confused soul. I experimented with LSD as a young man. Nothing is as it seems except to those who are too fearful to pursue what they do not understand. Do not let fear silence your pursuit of truth and knowledge.

I have saved another persons life and I almost died, in a hiking accident, when I was 10 years old. Winning is always more fun than losing but losing teaches you how to win. My heart has been broken and I have broken hearts. I have seen a UFO when I was a young boy and have never stopped scanning the heavens for another sighting. I have honored my links to the past in stone so that future generations will never forget. The legacy of our family business has grown and I am sure my father would be proud of my sister and myself. We have conducted our affairs professionally, honestly and with great respect for our employees and customers. Never expect acknowledgment for doing the right thing. Just do the right thing!

The most important blessing, as Paco said last Tuesday, has been the opportunity to be a good father. One of the most rewarding experiences of a life well lived is raising young boys to manhood. I also had the joy of coaching so many great young friends of my sons who would become responsible fathers and stalwarts in the community. I will always treasure those special bonds. Did I give my two sons the same opportunities and hopefully some of the life skills that my father gave to me? They are both fathers now. I watch them love their own children and I know that I fulfilled my duty to love them as fiercely as my father loved me. This energy, this love of live, this fierceness for living is everything everyone spoke of this week about Robert Toll. He gave our company, and he loved my father’s story, a chance to grow with his company. He shared many of the same characteristics as my father and as I sat there Tuesday my tears were filled with sweetness and gratitude. This moment is all we have, so make it great, and that is the greatest lesson one can share.

Peace to Everyone

The Bakery List - Week of 11/21

11/21-Croissant- Liv Bakery. Ginger Snap Cookies- Liv Bakery outstanding

11/22- Ginger Molasses Cookie- The Gingered Peach// Apple Raspberry Crumb- LiLLiPIES

11/23 - Slice of Chocolate Cake with peanut butter mouse filling- Anthony’s

11/24 - Breakfast pastries from Joe Murphy’s Bakehouse- Apple turnover- the fav, raspberry cheese croissant/brioche, Sticky buns, almond chocolate croissant, cinnamon roll….. dinner - NY Cheesecake from Anthony’s Cheesecake

11/25 - Blackout Cake from Joe Murphy; Pumpkin Pie from Anthony’s OMG»»»

11/26 - Tuscan White Bread- Farinolio. Sourdough Bread- Liv Bakery.. Leftover blackout cake. Joe Murphy’s Blackout cake below.

I think I will hit the stationary bike today.